I Was Going To Write About How Sad I Am

But that would be a digression -the kind that I am not ready (and may never be ready) to go into. It is neither an odyssey nor a trip for...

But that would be a digression -the kind that I am not ready (and may never be ready) to go into. It is neither an odyssey nor a trip for milk at the grocery, not a long-story-short nor a story at all even. Instead, I am going to write about how afraid I am, like I always do, because it is familiar, and it is easy, and it is curable. Fear is actionable, and ultimately overcome by just facing what it is you are afraid of, and I am afraid that one day, people will see through to the sadness, and think that I am not allowed it. 

I am not happy, but I am also not unhappy. I am not unhappy for every reason that I am happy, and the vise-versa is true wherein I am unhappy for every reason that I am not happy. (which, going by simple Mathematical logic rules, and language redundancy, must mean that this statement is valid, and true). There is a joy in my soul that is whole, and consistent, and considerable, but there is a sadness in my heart like an almost teasing alleyway where you cannot see the end unless you take the invitation it almost never gives you to enter. Entering is only ever an almost. And the more almosts there are, the smaller the alleyway gets until the bricks build up again, waiting for someone with a magic umbrella to tell it that it's time to give way*. If the soul and heart are one, this alleyway must be where they connect somehow.

It is in my character to make logical reasonings and similes to describe this digression, this inexplicable abyss, because the digression fuels the most creative part of me. It feeds the soul, but hurts the heart, and the head will find a way to justify it. If I am to be allowed this pain, then I must first make it worth something. This digression is only valid if I first tuck it away as best I can inside a container that is too small for it until I have enough to show that this is what I started with, that I have a right to this sadness in myself despite the sunlight I bask in. It is in this way that I function. It is in this way that I address the digression.

In true Nichie (Nietzsche, see what I did there) way, if you gaze long into an abyss, you will see nothing there because the abyss hides, and prays you don't see it.


*That's a Harry Potter reference.

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18 COMMENTS

  1. I honestly adore your way of writing, Nichie! This could pass up as an intro to a book or something. And it actually resonated with me. A LOT. I don't know how to expand this further because it might ruin the already-perfect moment you created. Ahhh, but yes. Loved the Nietzsche and HP reference too. Haha!

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    1. That's very kind of you to say! I wish I had the drive to write like this any time I wished, then I would be able to put out more content haha! And hey -if you'd like to expand further, please do! I'm open on Twitter, and E'mail, and Telegram!

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  2. I love how beautifully this post is written. To be honest, I always envy (in a good way lol) those who write so well, because I've always dreamed of being a good writer myself. But every time I try, I'm always having a hard time to find the right words to use. You're so talented Nichie :)

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    1. Thank you so much! From what I've read of yours, I think you write pretty well already, actually! :) I wish I could say I write like this all the time, but I'm such an emotional person that my skill is so dependent on it haha!

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  3. Sobrang lalim! I wouln't probably be able to understand this piece the way you want us to. :( Mahina talaga ko sa reading comprehension! Haha but something in this piece makes me feel so sad, kahit sa title palang hindi naman about sadness yung gusto mo isulat.

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    1. No problem! The main idea is na feeling ko, wala akong karapatan na maging malungkot kasi I'm surrounded by so many good things na kung magiging malungkot ako, dapat I have to make it profitable, like how I write when I'm sad kasi kung magiging sad ako, at least may na-post ako sa blog HAHAHA. Mahirap din, I don't allow myself to be sad.

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  4. Aww I love this! (Super mega delayed reaction hahahaha!) But like I said, I wrote my previous blog just so I can comment here. I love how well this was written.

    "Instead, I am going to write about how afraid I am, like I always do, because it is familiar, and it is easy, and it is curable."

    Ewan ko ba, I feel like you're speaking to my soul??? Hahaha! But I wish, someday, I can write about fear as beautifully as this. I'm not one to talk about it really but I think doing so will help ease the tension building up in my entirety.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read this! It's funny how it's the same feeling of fear, but it's also different, according to the person. I know one day you'll be able to find the words to express how you feel, and when you do, let me know! I'd love to read what you have to say!

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    2. I have written a couple under my Diary Entry category but they're not as good as this! LOL!!

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  5. I don't know if you write about sadness in general or there's a different meaning behind it but I find it so difficult to blog about my sadness or if I'm going through something because I feel like my haters would take advantage of it. IDK maybe it's just me.

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    1. It's more of a personal sadness that I write about. Man, people who would take advantage of another person's sadness are in turn the saddest people and they don't even know it. They pull people down because there's an emptiness in them that they don't want to acknowledge themselves. I encourage you to write about your sadness if you want to. It takes a certain bravery (one that I still struggle with) to. Haters take advantage of it because this bravery is a light within you. And be proud of that light -you shouldn't let anyone else turn it off.

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  6. It takes a lot of strength and courage to write a post like this.

    “The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

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    1. That's really very kind of you to say -thank you! I'm very appreciative that my moments of vulnerability are being taken as courageous.

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  7. Wow, this was so beautifully written. I got a chill and started thinking about my own emotions, to be honest.

    cabin twenty-four

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    1. Thank you! Hopefully the conclusions to you facing your emotions were good ones! I find myself having to confront myself a lot these days.

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  8. Fell in love with how you express yourself, beautifully written <3 Not quite sure if I got your message right, but I do hope you're okay(?) now
    Smile, you're gifted :)

    - Rania / www.pastelsandplaces.com

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  9. Ah I only got to read this now but this is one of the most beautifully written entries I've read about feelings. I do agree we have those not-happy-but-not-unhappy days and I think that's a normal state to have, it's part of life. We need a conundrum to balance the emotions on certain days.

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