A New Years Post: On Not Beginning

I've always liked New Years, because I've always liked beginnings. I've always liked beginnings, because I've alway...


I've always liked New Years, because I've always liked beginnings.

I've always liked beginnings, because I've always liked new things.

I've always liked new things, because I have a deep character flaw in which I saturate myself in the new thing and then lose interest when it's fulfilled my need for excitement and that prevents me from pursuing a long term engagement with anything I know will require more time than I am willing to put into it.

I've come to terms that I will never be "a pretty girl", and that I am pretty in my own way, yet the time in between the days I overhaul my closet, and makeup drawer become smaller and smaller. I've come to terms that I will never be an artist, and that it's just not my career to pursue, yet the number of paint and markers grow steadily by the day. I will be the first to admit, I'm jealous. I unhealthily scroll through social media, and see that these people already are, while I still aspire to be. They say the first step is acknowledging the problem, but what do they say about the rest of the steps?

I hoard material tenants who sign 3-month leases, thinking that the more I have, the more I will find out about myself. I convince myself that all it is, is a pursuit of personal identity, that if I begin again, I'll find the perfect setup eventually -like restarting a video game when you don't get the right randomized item the first time around. All it actually is, is an attempt to keep up with the rest of the world, because if I don't know who I am, maybe someone else will tell me. And I will be perfectly fine with it, because it's new, it's exciting, and most importantly, it's temporary.

It's an endless cycle of Konmari-ing the shit out of everything, and never really getting anywhere. 

I like beginnings because it gives me the illusion of a clean slate but the thing is, I need to be done with beginnings. I need to be done with thinking that things will magically fall into place if I start back at step one. It's taken me so long to realize that a clean slate is not where I start; It's where I end -to be able to look back at a past where I did not fuck up, at a relationship where I properly loved, at a personal project I completed, and filed away, at the moment right before beginning again where I say, "I did it. Now on to better things."

They say the first step is always the hardest, but it's the rest of the steps I struggle with. I guess you could say I'm flaky, but a more accurate word would be afraid. I am afraid, not because of the possibility of failing if I do follow through, but because of the possibility that when I do get to the end, I will be so underwhelmed with what I've been able to achieve that I will no longer find the motivation to start anew.

I've begun so many things, so many times, that I fail to remember that there was actually a time I began to stop being afraid. I think back, and I can't find the moment when I gave up on myself, or the reason why either. Maybe I convinced myself that I was Icarus, flying too close to the sun, or maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I just needed time to realize that I haven't failed yet, and the room to grow is only as large as I allow it to be, so that I can be, so that I will be. 

It's 2017, and I still have self-esteem issues, but I will work through it.

And I will continue to be better.

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11 COMMENTS

  1. I can't even find the right words to describe how it pains me thinking about how relatable this article is to me. I just deleted all my posts thinking of starting fresh. But after reading this, I realized I'm always good at beginnings too. I'm always good at starting things. Maybe that's why I always get stuck along the way, because I always go back to where I start. To where I think I should start. I mean a fresh start isn't bad, but I think it's also important to make sure we're making progress and we'll make it through the end.

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    1. You're so right! Thank you so much for dropping by, Danica! I'm always thankful when someone tells me they relate to what I'm feeling, that they understand. It's taken me years -with intense moments of feeling like I'm not doing anything with my life, and I've finally figured out it's because I've never fulfilled my emotional need for completion, that most everything I've done has been half-assed, and it sucks when I realize that I've been treating myself so poorly. Hopefully I change this about myself soon.

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  2. This was really well-written!

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    1. Thank you so much! And thank you for dropping by!

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  3. Same as you, I like beginnings, I like starting but continuing it is what's difficult for me. I even have ideas I want to do but never got to start them. I have self-projects that are left unattended. I hope we could work on it this year.

    As for self-esteem, I think I am better now. Like you, I used to be jealous of everyone else. But I learned to set my own goals, and reach them on my own pace, with my own timeline. I admit there are still times I get insecure, but I think I'm doing better now. I hope you would be able to do that. Just think that everyone is different, so don't compare yourself. Set your own goals and focus on them. :)

    Happy new year, Nichie! And congrats to an new beginning! I have to update your link on my blogroll hehehe

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    1. Definitely! I am thankful for your support, and I hope to support you, as well! To finishing what we start! Yeah, it can be difficult for me to not compare myself with other people, mainly because I don't feel comfortable with who I am. I feel that I am prideful at times, and I end up "competing" with others because I feel I need to be on their level. It's a weird mix of I want to catch up because I feel that I'm not good enough but also, I know that I can succeed and get frustrated because I'm not there yet. Feelings are complicated, haha!

      Happy New Year to you, too! You're an absolute sweetheart!

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  4. I hope I'm like you who likes new beginnings. I loathe change, maybe because I'm always afraid of it. This 2017, I hope I will learn to love it. It feel liberating to do something new after all.

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    1. It definitely is -every time I do something new, I find a new part of myself. I'm always afraid of never reaching my true potential only because I didn't know I could do certain things, or liked certain things. Thank you for dropping by, and I hope we both find new and amazing things for the new year!

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  5. Reading this made me cry! I am seriously like you. Lately, I have been thinking of quitting my job and wanting to study again. A different course, more on the arts side maybe? What's stopping me is myself. I'm afraid to find out what I'm really capable of. What if I'm not really talented as I aspire to be? What if I'm just a confused girl who is bound to be ordinary...

    I'm sorry if this comment is all about ME. You triggered it. Haha. Happy new year, Nichie! :*

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    1. GIRL, the comments section is where I want to hear all about YOU, and what YOU feel, and what YOU think! Thanks so much for sharing -I really hope we find the courage to follow through to the end of what we are capable of, and realize that what we are capable of is more than we think. WE CAN DO IT!!

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  6. This was relatable to me in SO MANY WAYS. The number of unfinished notebooks that I have is just wow and the fact that I was planning to buy more since 'it`s a new year and I need a planner for my internship soon' just goes to show that I only like things because WOW SHINY AND BRAND NEW~~~ I still find myself on clothing websites, browsing through things I like, not things I need; I find myself browsing through Instagram and seeing artist use other mediums, encouraging me to BUY THIS BECAUSE I LOVE USING IT AND YOU MIGHT TOO or I USE A MORE SUPERIOR WATERCOLOUR SET THAN YOU DO AND THAT`S MY SECRET OF BEING A GOOD ARTIST.

    This year, I am planning to change all that. I am planning to stop buying new things and finish up what I already have. It`s going to be tough, though. DO THIS WITH ME DENISE OMG

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