Cough syrup.

One hour, fifty-one minutes prior, for the first time in a long time, I took a walk towards the nearby park with no other intention than t...

One hour, fifty-one minutes prior, for the first time in a long time, I took a walk towards the nearby park with no other intention than to lay on the grass and read the last fifty pages of Haruki Murakami's Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage and listen to whatever music I had on my phone.

That is to say, I wanted to do nothing -or as much nothing someone like me could do. I live by events and happenings and I'm-so-busy's, so much so that the general nothingness of stagnancy is something that terrifies me, and yet, curiously, is the end goal to many of the happenings and I'm-so-busy's I pursue. I'd imagined that the afterglow of for-the-first-time-in-a-long-time would've been something close to what that achievement feels like, but it wasn't, really. I can't be sure if it was the formulaic Murakami ending to the novel, the chill from the evening wind, or frankly, my overalls, but rather than achieving the nothing that I set out to do, I felt very nothing.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm currently very ill and drugged up.

If cough syrup could write, it would write about everything except what it's supposed to heal -the chest. And I know by the shortness of my breath and the dull ache near my sternum that cough syrup won't write about something it's trying to empty much like someone who won't talk about something that's bothering them.

I think I am cough syrup, where I feel for all the other things except for what I strive for most -the quiet, calm of nothing.



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2 COMMENTS

  1. Love your thoughts on this. Also, I'm a fan of Haruki Murakami, too! I've seen that book but I swayed away for a while because it's expensive, but I'm definitely getting that back when I'm not broke anymore. :)

    Mimi Gonzales | The Foxy Heroine

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  2. I aalways enjoy reading your personal posts, Nichie! <3 Thanks for taking us with you through your thoughts and amazing photographs.

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