I am sovereign.

I'm writing this in a delirious state of half-illness, half-turning-into-a-blob-of-pure-mucus. It's when you become so unable to ph...

I'm writing this in a delirious state of half-illness, half-turning-into-a-blob-of-pure-mucus. It's when you become so unable to physically and mentally to do work do you begin to question the many motivations you initially have of doing so. Bundled up in blankets, and flannel pajamas, and wads of tissue, I think about the consequences of my falling ill, and the fact that falling ill has more consequences than that of a physical nature. The typical thought process goes like this: what if I am unable to do an assignment, which then causes me to fail a class, which holds me back from graduating, which then inhibits me from getting a good job, which causes all my relationships to fall apart, and I die a horrible death alone, and in poverty all because I was ill for the last week of September 2014. Oh, how cruel the anxiety-stricken mind is.

I struggle with the marker flags my ambitions raise -the bandanna tied on forest trail branches, the checkpoints, and spray paint tags. More specifically, and in a less metaphorical sense, I struggle with not comparing my ambitions, and life milestones to other people's. There are days I forget that the highlights of their lives shouldn't dictate the highlights of mine in any way -in time, or location, or content, or degree. Sometimes, when I encounter someone else's flag, I forget that there are other paths this person may have taken. When this happens, I look at my own marker that I have yet to place, and I do this dangerous thing in which I consider my own personal achievement as something that no longer holds any purpose but to propel me towards the next benchmark in hopes that I did it first. I unfairly turn my life into a race, and other people into unknowing, unwilling participants.

Maybe a time will come when my ambitions will stop laying markers for me to use as comparison, and instead lay waste to any doubts, and fears, and tiny monsters attributed to the detriment of my self-esteem. People's ambitions are different, after all. Currently, I'm working hard to seize my personal glories. I am very grateful for the things, and the people I have, and for how far they've helped me go. I'm content, and maybe it's a crazy thought, but (just maybe) it's okay to be content with what I have.

I am ruler of my decisions, my ambitions, my consequences. 

I am sovereign.

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2 COMMENTS

  1. "I am ruler of my decisions, my ambitions, my consequences.
    I am sovereign." I love your spirit here!
    And recover soon from you illness c: Xx

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  2. Hope you get better soon! xx

    www.roseandmuse.com
    www.roseandmusevintage.com

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