Journal pages from years ago.

I threw away a journal today. Its contents were Nichie-thoughts from 2010 to 2011. In 2010, I had first joined tumblr and was exposed t...

I threw away a journal today.

Its contents were Nichie-thoughts from 2010 to 2011. In 2010, I had first joined tumblr and was exposed to the romanticizing of words on paint chips, desaturated artistic photographs (please insert gratuitous quotation marks on your choice of word), and emotional writing that now I have grown and matured, come across as completely self-absorbed and entitled. Of course, I write this as a cynic looking back at the young, silly and impressionable me finding solace in the privileged internet teen (words interchangeable) culture; I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist when it came to living my life, which is why any type of self-reflection involving past decisions is laced with a tiny bit (see: a lot) of regret. Flipping through these pages was equal parts introspection and second-hand embarrassment.

So in light of this chagrin and regret, the most obvious thing to do is digitize a few pages and blog about them on the internet because Christ forbid I may actually learn something from my past self (like "stop being silly and impressionable", maybe). Here they are, nostalgia and memories and a few ideas that I no longer believe in. Don't get me wrong, this is a post of good things. This is a post celebrating the development of my critical thinking skills, and overall growth as a substantial person. At the end of the day, I was a teenager that went through bouts of sadness and extreme self-efficacy that then learned to be a better human. No big.

Sometimes, good things just happen to be wrapped in harsh cynicism -tough love, I think they sometimes call it.
Writing stories and keeping notes from friends has always been a pastime.
The internet is an incredibly frightening thing -it makes you romanticize your own life and makes you feel so entitled. The power the internet gives you to start thinking doesn't seem worth it when you realize the power the internet has to sway your thinking. "Relateable", they say. "^THIS", they whisper. Somewhere and sometime after 2011, I started taking the time to make sure my thoughts, feelings and words stopped being regurgitations of material I nibbled on from the internet.

One of my favourite things about myself is that I keep everything -from letters to notes passed in class to props used for my Bb. CSA (my High School's pageant) audition.

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6 COMMENTS

  1. I absolutely love this post! The pages are gorgeous and I completely relate to a lot of what you said.

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    1. Sorry to come back and bother you again but I'm on the look out for a new journal/sketchbook and was wondering which one this is? :)

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    2. It's no trouble at all! The brand of this one is: http://www.grandluxe.com/notebooks-journals.html

      It has a horizontal elastic to hold it shut. The cover is a sort of a rubbery matte texture. It's about an inch in thickness too so it makes a pretty good journal.

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    3. Thanks very much! Now to decide which colour & style to get... this is always the hardest part.

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  2. Oh my goodness, you drew the dress, you took that picture oh my god I remember thissss <3 I would have wanted your journal, your journals look so great! So much effort you put into it huhu I wish I had time to do the same.

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  3. "nostalgia and memories and a few ideas that I no longer believe in" I can relate to this so so much. I remember thisss <3 Daymn, I miss these feelings. It's so inspiring and nostalgic to just look back in all of this. Keep growing, Denise! Stay beautiful.

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