On Aggressive Friendship

It's funny how much I've changed and how much I find comfort in physical contact and general human interaction. It might have bee...

It's funny how much I've changed and how much I find comfort in physical contact and general human interaction. It might have been the anxiety. There is an irony in the state I find myself in -that I went through so much anxiety that I must've unconsciously tugged on tufts, ripped layers and broken down walls that all held back my potential to be someone better. It's funny how one can elicit so much emotion from me and that, in return can elicit so much emotion from other people.

It's funny how hand-holding, hugging, kissing clinging is such a comfort to me now -an affection I never quite thought I'd find myself actively searching for. It might be that the physical nature makes me feel grounded. Maybe it's just that I love people so much that I want to make sure they're real enough for me to touch; a grateful kiss on the cheek, a hand to hold for bad news and a tight hug for the good. Maybe there's just something of an unexplained comfort between myself and the person, in the way I intimately touch the side of their neck when we hug. Or maybe I just want them to remember that I'm real, and that I've a warmth for them.

And I do -a beautiful person must be told they are beautiful, even if I must run after them in the snow when they exit the building. Anxious Freshmen must be told they are full of the kind of potential that they don't realize, even if they don't believe me just yet, because they do. I've a warmth for all the people with great voices, delicious scents, satisfied smiles after eating pizza. I've a warmth for all the people who let me touch the back of their heads, and all the people who don't. And person who sits next to me in class, no matter who you are, I will always attempt to hold your hand.

In my head, with the kind of aggressive friendship I convey, there is the underlying question of, "How do you expect someone to fall in love with you when you're too busy being in love with everyone else?"

And I can be in love with as many people as I want -the heartbreak is mine, the feelings are mine, the rejection belongs to me, the cold fingertips against the nape of their necks are mine, and I will forget the number of fingers that interlace with mine in a day, and I will forget the length of the arm I will cling to, because it will differ, but I will keep the heavy things they all tell me in my heart and it will weigh me down with the coins I use to buy them treats, and eventually, eventually, someone will love the love I waste on other people and the vessel in which it comes in.

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  1. This is so beautiful~
    In my point of view, I see it as.. You have been there for about two to three years now, having rarely anyone to talk to and basically standing with your own two feet. I remember your blog posts just two year ago, full of sadness and a will to just leave. But now, you have gotten stronger, and wiser, and you are almost a senior. You have gained friends along the way and you`ve met more awesome people than the amount you met two years ago.

    "I am a junior, there are probably Freshmen here who are probably going through what I went through. I want to let them know that I am here for them and that if ever they need a hug, or a kiss, or a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, I am here. Because no one was there physically to do those things for me."
    If this was spot on, I would say that you haven`t changed a bit, Denise.
    You`re still touching hearts like the girl I knew in Freshman year high.

    And I believe there is a being out there that wil love the love you have, because it is so great and it is so bright. It will take them some time to adjust their eyes but until then, keep spreading the love and have fun.

  2. After reading this beautiful post, I truly believe you are a
    warm person c: You: "someone will love the love I waste
    on other people and the vessel in which it comes in" which
    I think will happen Xx

  3. this is such a beautiful and insightful post.