But that would be a digression -the kind that I am not ready (and may never be ready) to go into. It is neither an odyssey nor a trip for milk at the grocery, not a long-story-short nor a story at all even. Instead, I am going to write about how afraid I am, like I always do, because it is familiar, and it is easy, and it is curable. Fear is actionable, and ultimately overcome by just facing what it is you are afraid of, and I am afraid that one day, people will see through to the sadness, and think that I am not allowed it.
I am not happy, but I am also not unhappy. I am not unhappy for every reason that I am happy, and the vise-versa is true wherein I am unhappy for every reason that I am not happy. (which, going by simple Mathematical logic rules, and language redundancy, must mean that this statement is valid, and true). There is a joy in my soul that is whole, and consistent, and considerable, but there is a sadness in my heart like an almost teasing alleyway where you cannot see the end unless you take the invitation it almost never gives you to enter. Entering is only ever an almost. And the more almosts there are, the smaller the alleyway gets until the bricks build up again, waiting for someone with a magic umbrella to tell it that it's time to give way*. If the soul and heart are one, this alleyway must be where they connect somehow.
It is in my character to make logical reasonings and similes to describe this digression, this inexplicable abyss, because the digression fuels the most creative part of me. It feeds the soul, but hurts the heart, and the head will find a way to justify it. If I am to be allowed this pain, then I must first make it worth something. This digression is only valid if I first tuck it away as best I can inside a container that is too small for it until I have enough to show that this is what I started with, that I have a right to this sadness in myself despite the sunlight I bask in. It is in this way that I function. It is in this way that I address the digression.
In true Nichie (Nietzsche, see what I did there) way, if you gaze long into an abyss, you will see nothing there because the abyss hides, and prays you don't see it.
*That's a Harry Potter reference.